That moment was the closest I ever had to coming out. Queerness was somehow always attached to me and after that day I decided to stop denying it. Yes, I did have crushes on other boys in my class, and I didn’t want to feel ashamed for it anymore. It’s taken me years to realize that something really precious was taken away from me: a curiosity about myself. Before I was able to enjoy the pleasure and excitement of desire, I learned about shame. For years that shame was reinforced by threats of and actual violence.